To Hug or Not to Hug
by heintz571
Summary: The Doctor contemplates the many different hugs that he and Clara has shared and regrets the times when he pushed her away when he needed a hug. Now as he searches for his lost Clara he realizes that her hugs are the key to finding her.


**Title: To Hug or Not to Hug**

 **Author: Flydye8/Heintz571**

 **Pairings: Clara/Twelve**

 **Rating: Teen**

 **Summary: The Doctor contemplates the many different hugs that he and Clara has shared and regrets the times when he pushed her away when he needed a hug. Now as he searches for his lost Clara he realizes that her hugs are the key to finding her.**

* * *

 **Author's Note 1** : _**This idea came to me when I saw a tumblr post by attackeyebrow and onbalanceithinkthatwentquitewell it showed the Doctor getting a hug in "Listen" and not getting a hug during "Forest of the Night" with the caption "the one time the Doctor gets a hug and the one time he didn't" bringing about this little one shot.**_

 **Author's note 2** : _**I am trying a different point of view when writing this story; I may not get it correct but please bear with me as I learn.**_

Since this regeneration I felt that I didn't need the comforts of a hug, until now.

I've just left my Clara on Earth to die at the hands of a solar flare from the sun. I didn't want to leave her but she gave quite the compelling argument to why I should. I keep looking at the computer screen wondering how long it will take for the flare to reach them. Celestial events are tricky to predict even for me, a Time Lord.

I'm glancing over my shoulder hoping that she will be there staring at me much like she did after we returned Orson Pink to his rightful time. Closing my eyes, I remember the feel of her arms around me, embracing me even with my protests, the softness of her body, and her laughter in my ear.

Expelling the air I held in my lungs while remembering, I admit I long to for her hug again, wishing I could repeat that hug but instead of protesting, I would turn toward her body , embrace her tightly to me, put my arms around her, and never let her go, no matter how much she protests.

Looking at my computer screen again I see the flare moving quickly toward Earth, an Earth covered with a flame proof forest and I smile in delight. Moving along my console I type the coordinates to return to the planet which I now consider my home. I can save her and everyone else and just maybe I'll be able to hug her properly because now I am ready to accept that I am a hugging Time Lord after all.

* * *

While standing on Clara's balcony watching the forest disappearing in the evening light. I take a moment to explain how the human race will forget about the overnight forest. During my explanations, I'm trying to release my inhibitions and give my Clara a hug and find I cannot. Maybe I'm not a hugging Time Lord after all, but I wish I could be.

* * *

I'm watching her fall to her knees, regretting but not regretting her actions on the volcanic cliff we are standing on. My hearts clinching in agony, I want to wrap my arms around her in a comforting hug giving her the strength she requires in her hour of need. But her betrayal is to fresh and the pain to strong so I don't. Walking over to her, grabbing her hand, I remove the patch from her palm. The interior of my TARDIS coming into focus, I kneel as I gather my keys while she is standing immobile in front of me. My body is urging me to pull her into my arms, but I resist, reaffirming to myself that I'm not a hugging Time Lord.

* * *

She is asking me for a hug, not resisting any more I'm holding out my arms, waiting for her to make the first move. My hearts leap with joy as I feel her hands pull me tightly against her. Bending my head, I smell her fragrant hair as I hide my pain in her silky tresses. I now know why I'm not a hugging person; it is just a way to hide my face from her knowing looks. A way of keeping her from seeing the raw emotions I'm experiencing, lying to her without saying a word. I answer her question hoping she understands the meaning behind my words.

* * *

Seeing her again, her five foot one body wrapped in a blue robe, her standing in the snow is causing my hearts to soar with joy. She grabs my arm and I want to pull her close to me in a tight hug, telling her that everything will be okay, but I am pushing down my urge. I missed my chance long ago. She and Danny are together and I will never do anything to interfere with her relationship. I ask her to go in the TARDIS and I am surprised to see that she does what I ask. There is something wrong with my Clara, but I can't think about it right now. I have to talk to Santa, the jolly old irritating fool.

* * *

I respond to her confession with one of my own. I never found Gallifrey I hear myself saying and the look she gives me is disbelief. We lied to each other to make the other happy; I see her walking away and wonder how many hugs I have missed out because of our lies. I'm older now and am finding that I long for my Clara's hugs, the need to feel her wrapping her arms around me is almost too much for me to bear. My arms move to embrace her; but I hold back not sure if she will welcome them around her. Hearing her ask me what she can do helps me refocus my mind but my body is screams at me, because it is once again denied the comforting touch of her hug.

* * *

I'm startled at first, as I feel Clara's arms around me while we are flying high in the night sky. My body is shivering not from the cold but from her embrace. When she is telling me that Santa looks different to her, I feel something new, something that is difficult for me to comprehend. _Love_. This new feeling is more frightening to me then hugging ever was. Setting aside my apprehensions I sit allowing myself to enjoy the thing I have longed for since we separated; her loving hug.

* * *

Arriving in her bedroom, I ignore the odd feeling that something is not right. When she turns on her light and I cannot ignore the odd feeling any longer. She tells me it has been 62 years and my world dissolves around me as my hearts start to feel regret for missing so much. She is reaching for me and when her arms come around my neck my regret is replaced with elation. This is my Clara and no matter have many years I have lost I will not waste any more by not returning her hugs. She is hugging me so tight that I feel as if I can't breathe so overwhelmed by my emotions. I close my eyes setting to memory her touch so I can relive her hugs long after she is gone.

* * *

I lost my Clara, my second chance has been torn away from me by the hands of Missy. Pulling out my diary, I decide that it is time to find my Clara. I know that her echoes are scattered in my time line and I know that I my Clara is to. Visiting her echoes will be risky, but it is a risk I am willing to take. My only question is how I will know for sure if the echo is my Clara or not. Closing my eyes I remember her hugs and suddenly I know my answer. I will know it is her when she hugs me; I will feel it deep in my soul and in my hearts. My love for her will soar and at that moment I will know it is her. However that means that I am going to have to be a hugging Time Lord and I am okay with that.

* * *

Entering the American diner, I see her right away. She looks so much like my Clara in her blue waitress dress and fly-away hair. Watching her help the customers with grace and efficiency, I wonder if she is my Clara. Approaching her I hold up my guitar, telling her I'm a musician travelling through. Asking for a coffee I sit at one of the tables and wait for my request. She brings me my drink I notice her looking at me in an odd way, setting the cup down she asks me if we have ever met. Smiling I simple say maybe in a different time, our conversation is interrupted as the ground shakes beneath our feet signaling an earthquake.

Grabbing her I am pulling her under my table holding her close to my body. The building is breaking apart above us, rubble falling down on the table that is keeping us safe. Soon the ground movement subsides but the woman next to me is still shaking. Looking down at her I ask if she is okay, but instead of answering she is moving quickly away rushing to the front door. Standing I run after her calling her name. I reach her as she is collapsing to the ground in front of a building. Reading the sign nearby I see the word "Daycare". Looking at me she is crying. Her son is in the building.

Not hesitating I pull out my sonic screwdriver. Pointing it at her I read her DNA signature. After adjusting the frequency I scan the rubble looking for her son based on her DNA. Hearing my sonic beep I walk around the building until I locate the young boy. Calling out to her we quickly remove the debris revealing her son. She is embracing him tightly and I feel my chest clinching in agony, this is not my Clara. I'm missing my Clara's hugs terribly right now.

Seeing her stand she is approaching me and I know what her intentions are. Holding up my hands I tell her I'm not a hugging person, smiling at me she is grabbing me in her tight embrace. Whispering in my ear she tells me that I will be a hugging person someday. Stepping away from her, I nod my head and tell her I probably will be, but not until I find my love.

* * *

My journey is rough. Each echo I have visited is like her, but they are not my Clara. But, I am accustomed to hugging now though and each hug I have received from Clara's echoes, gives me joy. Except one, this echo was saddest one I have come in contact with. Entering the underwater base I never expected to see an echo there. She was surprisingly dressed like my Clara; mustard colored shirt, plaid jumper dress, leather coat.

Walking up to her, I extend my hand to greet her with a smile. But my smile disappears when I see an emptiness in her eyes that startles me. This is not my Clara, but I feel my self being enraptured by her, feeling the need to wrap my arms around her to chase her emptiness away. I think it is curiosity, that is making long to hug her, but I am not sure. I introduce myself again only to have her tell me bugger off. My hearts ache for this echo who has been hurt, I wondered what had hurt her, as I am following her down the dark corridors, the water around us shimming on the metal floors.

Of course she complains the whole time we were fighting the blinded phantoms, but when we were running, for just a brief moment, it feels like I am running next to my Clara. After escaping in the TARDIS, I bring her to Earth, sitting on top of a hill looking up at the night sky, she tells me that she lost her fiancé and she swore she would never say "I love you" to another person again.

She is like my Clara in so many ways, bringing my arm around her shoulder I am pulling her close to my side. Guiding her to the soft grass she snuggles next to my body laying her head on my chest and cries. There we lay comforting each other because we have both lost someone that we love. She is not my Clara but for this echo I will hold her and hug her like she was.

* * *

I continue my search and meet many of Clara's echoes, one dressed in black with ruby red lips and one dressed in a green flowered skirt. I have hugged so many Claras that the aching in my chest is now bearable. I never thought that hugging could help reduce my feelings of pain; I am pleased to find that I was wrong. However, I am desperately holding on to my hope that I will find my Clara soon. I miss her, my impossible girl, my love. I need to feel her body against mine, her arms around me, surrounding me in her embrace.

* * *

Placing my ship in orbit around Earth I open my diary, searching for my next destination when the cloister bell rings. Standing I find myself transported to Earth in a purplish beam of light. Looking around I am trying to figure out where I am when I hear a soft voice calling my name. Facing the voice my hearts burst in happiness. There she is standing in front of me, dressed in an orange space suit. I wonder why but quickly cast it aside as I hear her calling me again. Running to her I pick her up and hug her tightly. Feeling her arms around my neck hugging me back I twirl her around. My feelings of love, passion, happiness, are expressed in our hug. This is my Clara and I am never letting her go. Placing her on the ground I bring my hands to her cheeks bending down I press my lips against hers in a wondrous kiss and I smile when I feel her lips respond.

* * *

Later in the evening, in the TARDIS, I am looking at the screen on my console when I feel her wrapping her arms around me. She is nuzzling my shoulder telling me she is happy to be home, asking me how I became so good at hugging. Smiling I bring my hand to hers and answer that I have been practicing with her echoes.

Giggling she turns me around until I am facing her. Her soft hands caress my cheek as she kisses me tenderly. She is guiding me to her room telling me that she is glad I am a hugging Time Lord now. As I am following her, I am also glad too. But I find I am enjoying becoming more with my Clara, a kissing Time Lord, a touching Time Lord, and a loving Time Lord and I couldn't be more happy.

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 **Author's note:** _**Well there you go a new way of writing. I have found that it was much more difficult then I thought it would be. Leave me a note and let me know what you think and if you have any advice about how to write first person better I would love to hear it.**_

 _ **Cheers**_

 _ **Flydye8/Heintz571**_


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